imperfection

o tai wan mei..%$##@&%$#..tetiba lagu super junior yg keluar..ooppss!

okes. hari ni my partner, SH namanya..sama-sama praktikal ngn gua kt HSNZ. dia dok la mengadu yg dia sgt stress bila dikomen oleh dietitian. Okeh. ak xbole ckp byk, so ak just dgr dan mencelah sikit2 je. sebab, bukan dia je yg penah experience benda tu. ak pon penah. sampai nk menangis pon ada. 

nak kata dietitian xkomen ak, ada jugak. belambak. tapi, yg hairannya satu pon xmasok dlm kepala hotak ak ni. Maybe teguran yg dilemparkan xberapa nk keras or mungkin kah hati ak dah jadi hati batu??? entah. pikir la sendiri. Ak rasa dietitian kat sini semua baik. Dorang ada la tegor, tp ak amek semua tu sebagai komen yg membina. maybe sebab tu la ak x terasa sgt bila ditegor. 

ak sedar yang ak still lacking especially counseling part. Masa first2 ikot Puan A, ak maen selamba je counsel diabetic patient without using CHO counting or pamphlet. apa yg ak guna hanya lah air liuq ak yg xbapa nk berharga ni. haha. sebab, time ak praktikal kt HKB dulu, dietitian ak penah cakap "Kita dietitian ni, xde pape pon nk ditawarkan untuk patient, kecuali air liur kita" HeHe. sebab tu la ak guna je air liur ak ni. Energy requirement for patient pon ak xkira. Bila dah habes jumpa patient baru kira. So, kerja ak quite senang la time kat KB dulu. xpayah nk menggelabah kira2 energy intake & requirement. buat kalut je. But then, bila datang HSNZ..a lot of new things ak belajar. Puan A ajar MESTI kena kira energy intake patient and educate them on CHO counting. Time tu, ak mesti menggelabah. mana nk kira energy requirement, mana nk tnya diet intke, nak kira lagi..haha..lama-kelamaan ok la.not so bad. xde la lama sgt ak amek masa nk kira semua tu. First time counsel, memang berterabur. ak pon frust dgn diri sendiri. Puan A ada bagi nasihat dan teguran. So, ak improve myself with that. Alhamdulillah, at the end of the attachment with her, she said she can see an improvement from me. :) Actually that's what I want to hear. Not that, I AM THE BEST or what. Just a good improvement is enough for me. But, she kept commenting on my unclear voice. Haha. I also don't realize that. LOL~

Bila ikot Puan M, yes..ak sgt takot actually dgn dia. Sebab dietitian lain penah cerita yg dia sgt garang dgn student. Oh ho. Mati seyh ak. Dah la ak ni lembab, pemalas xsoh kata la. HeHe. Accidentally, she incharged for renal ward. Ok. Ak angkat tgn awal2 kalau bab renal ni. ak memang la sgt lemah. Kaunseling hari first, ak copy paste je style dia. HaHa. sampai dia tegor, "haih, saya tgk awak tiru style saya je, xmau..saya nk tgk awak guna style awak sendiri" Yes. Memang pon. sebab ak risau kalau ak guna style ak, kucar kacir la jawabnya. She really talk to me direct that I'm still weak with the counseling part. Actually, ak nk je nangis bila dgr mcm tu. HoHO. tapi, ak tahan je. tapi, dia selalu ckp "yela, awak kan still student..memang la xmahir lagi bab2 kaunseling..banyakkan membaca, luaskan pandangan" ak xtahu la kenapa dia baek sgt sedangkan dgn student yg lama dia sgt garang. adakah muka ak ni mcm muka mintak simpati??HaHa. Tapi, the one thing I can't resist when she said my documentation was good. HeHe. Dalam hati...yeeeeehaaaaaw! at least, ad la something yg good. kah3..

Sekarang, ak ikot Cik B. Wow! Surgical ward. really crowded with patient. sampai ak xde masa nk berehat lgsg. Lepas naik ward, kena buat notes. Then, log book pon xsempat nk buat. Mati la. minggu ni dah minggu last. I have missed about 1 month for logbook. Pemalas tahap dewa beb. sekarang baru gua menyesal. rasa nk hentak2 je kepala ni ke dinding bagi berkecai.. oops~over!
Bila attach dgn Cik B, fuiyoh~byk yg belajar..tentang Ryle's Tube feeding. First  time jugak ak rasa  nk pengsan bila  tgk patient yg dgn jahitan kat kepala, berdarah..semangat ak lemah gila wooo bila masok surgical ward ni. ada yg patah kaki sebab MVA, cancer la.. ak tunduk je bila masok ward ni sbb ak memang xbole tgk patient yg macam tu. ak rasa bersalah sebab rasa geli dan takot. ;( tapi, sekarang ak cuba kuatkan semangat. ada satu kali, ak kena ukur panjang lengan satu patient ni...sebabnya nk tahu ketinggian badan. Then, tgh ak nk angkat tgn patient ni..btw, this patient in unconscious..tetiba patient ni terkeluar suara. restless maybe. melayang ak punya tape ntah ke mana. patient kat sebelah dah tgk pelik. HaHa. segan giler ak. dgn dietitian dn patient sekali. Dan....satu benda yg ak takot dan sedih bila bukak patient's note..dekat situ tetiba keluar discharge..discharge bukan sebab keluar hospital, tapi..sebab meninggal or deceased. Hati ak akan berdebar2 bila tgk perkataan discharge..sedih kalo ak penah bercakap2 dgn patient tu. Tetiba patient tu dah xde. Penah ada satu hari ak attach kat CCU (Critical Care Unit), patient yg ak handle was really well actually..just having poor oral intake. Ak sempat la tanya, bercakap2 dgn pakcik ni..tapi, bila ak dtg keesokkannya..pakcik ni dah xsedar..meracau2 due to uremic syndrome. Ak memang terkejot. Bila pakcik ni unconscious, ak sempat lagi tgk muka dia. tenang je. Then, the next week..his condition actually worsen..but then, after few days..keep improving. From Ryle's Tube, he can actually shifted to oral..I was really excited when I heard that news from my dietitian. The next morning, when I look at his notes..the word discharged again appear on the screen..at the top of the screen..I saw a word DECEASED! I just want to cry out loud when I looked  at that. Because all my conversation with him came right away in my mind. Sob sob. May Allah bless him and all my patient. Everyone will die, but it's either soon or later. 

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Actually, sebagai manusia biasa yg hina ni, kita plaing susah nk terima hakikat yg kita salah..tremasuk lah diri ak. sebab, kita EGO actually. So, lets say bye to EGO! I hope I can accept other's advice and tegoran. Because from that, I think I can learn what's my mistake. Come on! Keep fighting^^

a white coat is not just a white coat^^

Yo!!!

Mood malas untuk berblogging sudah kian meningkat! Al-maklum la, jiwa xberapa nk kacau sgt sekarang..jadi xperlu la sgt nk meluahkan perasaan. Just left 1 week for me in Terengganu. Hurm~I'm gonna miss here, really. :) Actually, nak kata sedih xla sgt..just one word keep playing in my head "HOME" xsabar nk balik rumah!

"A white coat isn't just a white coat". Ooops~mcm kenal ayat ni??haha. sory, copy paste from Puan Seri Datin Saiyidatul Shufwah. ngeh2. Selama berpraktikal di Terengganu as a student dietitian, I got so many title here. Dr, pharmacist...dan tidak ada satu pon dietitian. sobs~;(

Ini adalah kenyataannya, bila pakai je white coat..ramai yg akan tersalah anggap! LOL~

Sebab student dietitian pon akan pakai white coat bila naik ke wad, jadi akn bercampur aduk la semua kakitangan hospital bila berada dlm wad yg sama. ada dr, pharmacist, physio,dan x kurang jugak dietitian. Hihi. yg lawak nya, bila ak naik wad..ada jugak yg panggil ak dr. oh ho! segan gila.  hari tu, ada sorg makcik ni..dia staff nurse. Ak just tanya "bed ticket mana ye kak?" jawabnya "Oh, dr..kejap nya..nanti saya tnya adik nurse yg praktikal tu. Maka, bersungguh-sungguh la makcik nurse itu mencari2 bed ticket yg ak nak. "Macam mana ak nk ckp ak bukan dr ni???" Then, dia dtg sekali lagi.."Dr, xde la. maybe ada dgn Sister kot, dr try tanya kt dalam" Ak bermonolog sendiri2, cewwah "oih, sedar diri! ko bukan dr..cpt ckp ngn makcik tu!!"hee,saya bukan dr..saya dietitian" word student ak hilangkan ikot suka hati ak je. Muka makcik tu mcm terkejot! "Oh, yeke? xpela dik, mcm dr jugak la nanti" Hihi. xmahu dipanjangkan cerita, ak pon balas je dgn senyuman je. :)

Bila naik ward jugak, even student nurse yg maybe ada di antara sebaya dgn ak pon memanggil ak dr. Omaigoddd!!! tua sgt ke ak ni??? sedih la.lama-kelamaan, ak jadi sebal bila dipanggil dr. Dr2 yg real kat wad tu mesti dah mengutuk dalam hati. Senang2 je dpt title free of charge lagi. Oooops! Bukan salah kami sebenarnya. ;p

Bila berada dalam ward mengadap lappy untuk membuat note after see the patient, para dr. pasti akan memandang pelik kat ak. Dan common question is "Pharmacist ke??" Dan, ada sekali dr bertanya my dietitian..jawab dietitian ak "Eh, tu student saya" Bwahahaha. nak tergelak ak bila dgr camtu. Then, dietitian ak pulak usik2 cakap ak muka pharmacist! Oh, damn! I wanna be a dietitian. Not doctor or pharmacist. Then, why would they look at me not as a student??? I really hate of being mature, actually. sobs~

I really can't understand (#_#)

Yo! :)

After a hectic day yesterday and op kos la today..today was my case presentation! Omaaigood! Hanya Allah je yg tahu perasaan ak macam mana. Jantung nak burst macam nk terkeluar semua aorta, artery...

2 days before presentation, bole plak tertinggal slide dgn berukbang kat opis. Dem! So, bersenang-lenang la ak 2 days ago. Then, semalam baru bertungkus-lumus menyiap dan membetulkan slide. Dengan xcukop tido, bgn pagi..really delirium dowh! Melayang2 je ase. Apa-apa jadi ak just redha e untuk presentation hari ni. Ak selalu je doa agar lembutkan hati dietitian ak.hik3..supaya mereka x tanya banyak soklan sgt!

Then, done with my presentation on 3.30 pm. Yes. I actually did not really satisfied with it. I don't even know on how to do the best for the management. Bila melihatkan dietitian mengelengkan kepala, ok..it's really dissapointed me. Luckily, they did not give me any uncomfortable expression. Even though, they did not ask me many question..I really wonder what they think about my presentation. Bored?? Owh, please. I just don't wanna think about that. But, I really need to take it all the comment at positive side. My partner was so good. I can see huge differences between us. Ok, dah. Stop kat sini. Let it go. :)

Reward for myself, I bought another new dress. Really, this dress are meant for me. Haha. This morning, it sold out already. When I look at back, it still available. Oh ho, sometimes..we should reward ourself no matter how good or bad we perform, right?? :)

Wishlist:

Buy present for my friends (DONE)

Gosh! I really love Rilakkuma Bear. But, I bought it for my friend. hik3~ cute! Someone, please give me one!

Buy my mom dress/clothes for this upcoming raya (Must do it!!!!!)

please, be strong

It's a day for my Dietetics senior today. Today was a big day for them. Congratulations for your convocation day! I am happy for all of you. :) I just wonder will I able to be like them? Yes. I should. They all also like me. Had been going through all sort of things. It's just a part of learning.     

I bet, they even had their up and down. Same goes with me. 

Actually, when I look at them..I meant their pictures of convocation, I always hope to be one of them soon. After all those hardships that my friends and I had been through, I wish we all could enjoy that moment to the fullest. All our hard work should be paid off. We all learn on how to survive on our own without any assistance from others. We've been scolded because of our mistakes. Sometimes, I felt like giving up. But, no matter when I tried to do so, luckily I have friends by my side to keep encouraging me and lift up my spirit. Back then, I did not know on how to express my feeling to others. But now, I tried to put trust to others, let it my feeling. Woah! Luckily, I could feel some relieve from that. Thanks friend! 

And, not to forget..the mind of my family, on how my parents would be sad if they know my condition. Yes. Being an eldest in the family is such a big responsibility and not to exaggerate..it's quite a burden for me actually. I need to show a good example to my younger sister and brothers. I need to show them that we should be successful in what ever we do. That is why, until now..I keep trying from the state I fall behind and tried to get up to continue my journey even though I did not know it is right for me or not. But, Allah had everything planned for us, right? We just need to believe that this is already planned for us. 

Please, wahai diri! Be strong! Don't ever compare yourself with someone. It's not your fault if things did not turn up like you wanted it to be. Just let it slide away. But, remember..all those are experience for you. So that, you will not repeat it again and again. It's not wrong to learn from the mistakes. 

This week is going to be a tough week. Let's pray that I can face it easily, happily~

Randomness: Hati wanita

Semalam, balik je dari koje kol 4, teros masok rumah dan bukak lappy. Ok, itu la rutin sehari-hari ku bila tgh internship ni. and it's weekend. I'm going to spend it alone as a Lone Ranger! huk huk~  Frankly speaking, I really like working environment here where the dietitians are really friendly and sporting. Compared to before, I like it here so much! The problem is I did not really like my living situation here where I did not have any friend or companion. Even, my current partner always back home. So, I stayed alone in this empty house. Hanya berbekalkan toto, lappy + berokbang yg slow mcm siput bab* dan jugak handphone yg xde byk fungsinya. It's not that I'm not grateful with what I have now. It just my feeling when I felt lonely. Yes! I really hate loneliness. 

Ok. sambung cerita. bila balik, bukak lappy, bukak FB. Tetiba terbaca my aunt punya post. Bunyinya lebih kureng cmni la. "Smlm aisy mengamuk xblh lena..bagi susu xmau.Mama ulik tido pn xmau nangis je.Abah amik dodoi smbil dukung baru senyap...lena.Cian abah ngntuk.Pg nie abah pi keja lmbat kul9.Sedih mama tgk aisy mcm ni.Dh laa smlm call mak,mak nangis teringat dkt Aisy.Mama sndiri pn teringat kt mak jgk.Rasa lolo tu jgk nk balik kg."  

**oopsss, tercopy my aunt punya post. sorry Sue. hik3~ok. Bukan hapa, bila ak baca je post, ak teros nanges. mencurah2 air mata. Bila baca kali kedua pon, still nanges. Part yg nenek ak nanges teringatkan cucu yg buat ak sebak. Sebab ak pon agak rapat dgn nenek ak. Sejak kecil smp besar pon duduk ngn nenek. Banyak kenangan dgn nenek ak ni. 

Bila mak ak cerita kat ak, ada satu hari..nenek ak sedih sebab anak2 dan cucu2 dia xde pon call dia kt kg. Sambil nanges2 luah perasaan dekat mak ak, mak ak pon sama2 nanges. Yeah, hati perempuan memang sgt lembut. ak gelak2 jugak bila dgr cerita tu, tapi dalam hati sebak beb! Nenek ckp kat mak ak, dia syg ak lebih dari dia syg makcik ak. Ak dgr cam terkejot. yeke nek?? hoho. dah la ak nk call nenek pon malas. rasa cam bersalah bila dgr nenek ckp camtu. sob sob~itu sebab kalo ak balik rumah, nenek ak kan tnya bila nk balik kg. dah xingat kg ke??? hik3~that's sweet! kalo ak ada cuti 10 hari, terpaksa bahagikan..5hari dekat rumah, 5 hari lagi kt kg. That's how I live my life. ;) I have a sweet mother and lovable grandmother. Bila nk bawak calon hubby, kena tunjuk kat dua2 mam ni dulu for approval.haha. ;p

Dolu, ingat lagi..before ak dpt msok UPM. time tu tgh break after habes matriculation..masa tu, rumah nenek ngah wat renovation. dolu rumah papan, ni renovate jadi rumah besi. eh?? rumah batu la. renovation tu buat separuh2, sebab kalo runtuhkan semua rumah, jawabnya nenek dan atok ak nak duduk mana? xde rumah kosong yg terdekat. So, part ruang tamu dulu diruntuhkan. Nak jadi satu cerita, ada satu malam ni..nenek ak nak g toilet..tapi route nak g ke dapur tu kena lalu bahagian ruang tamu yg dah siap diruntuhkan tu. HAHA. punya la nenek ak bgn tido, mamai2..xingat pon part yg dah diruntuhkan tu. Tut! Tut! tetiba terdengar bunyi suara nenek ak. "Ayu wei!!!! Adoih, jatuh doh mok ni" ak teros bangun dan tgk nenek ak. tengok2 dah kat bawah dah. adoih. lawak2 jugak tapi dalam hati risau. hehe. naseb bek nenek ak xde pape. Alhamdulillah. 

Then, kalau ak kt kg..maka, officially ak akn jadi driver terhormat nenek ak. Bawak dia nk p mana. Sebab nenek ak ni suka berjalan, jadi kerja sehari-hari ak adalah berjalan jugak bersama nenek. Even malam sekalipon, ada je tempat nenek ak nk pegi. Bila pergi berjalan2 jumpa saudara-mara, maka akan bergaul la ak dgn makcik pakcik. haha. That's what makes me look mature, huh? Tapi, still ak x reti nk build relationship with elders. 

***To be continued

p/s: Please, atol..don't pity me.ahaks~